Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

selfy-stuff

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As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2711375/

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Maybe it only feels like shit because i feel so unattractive and i’m not sure i can ever find anyone beautiful who will like me ever again. Maybe it feels like shit because i established a routine with her and now it’s over and i’m just here. Maybe it feels like shit because i know that i still like her, but that it just wasn’t working. Maybe it feels like shit because we were probably in love. Maybe it feels like shit because i know this is hurting her a lot more than it seems to be hurting me. Maybe i feel like shit because this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe i feel like shit because i’m afraid she won’t find anyone else who’ll really care about her. Maybe i feel like shit because i already miss holding her hand. Maybe i feel like shit because i loved kissing her. Maybe i feel like shit because i deserve a lot worse.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2711258/

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I somehow forgot to mention the two neatest things that happened to me yesterday, and god knows they’re pretty neat. so excuse me while i switch into banal-blog mode to update you on some happenings in my life.


Firstly, i manged to snag myself vocal lessons for next semester. Now, i don’t know how much this shows through my incessant prattling, but i’ve wanted voice training for years. Long before i became musically inclined singing was one of my favourite things to do, but i was horrible at it and was constantly being persecuted by my friends for my lack of ability. Playing guitar gave me the most basic of confidences in singing, but i’m still unsure of myself when singing on my own and i still have no formal training on how to sing. So, the fact that one of our voice instructors wants to make time for me in her schedule is very cool.

A bigger compliment came from Bill Hull, who’s currently in charge of the aforementioned Eight to the Bar. I mentioned off-handedly to him that i was finally starting voice training and he replied that i ought to audition for the next opening in Eight to the Bar. Audition! For an all male a capella group that’s half composed of Vocal Music majors! I tried to deflect what i thought was an obvious attempt at flattery, but Bill was quick to point out that he is one of the few people on campus in possession of a copy of my demo, so he knows full well that i can actually sing when i put my mind to it. He tempered his compliment by admitting that i certainly have plenty of technique to learn from voice lessons, but then reiterated that i would stand a good chance of being a member of the group’s new lineup in the fall.

Eek. I’m not used to feeling this good about myself all at once. No wonder i keep writing songs tonight…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2686603/

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Because i’m so very intelligent, i picked a huge fight with the president of the Campus Activities Board right in the middle of their office while i was using their computer to check my email. Sure, at the time i didn’t know he was their president (why would they elect someone so stupid?), and he’s ultimately responsible for funding and staging the Battle of the Bands, but i ripped into him all the same. Basically, the man is a total dweeb (i mean, i could beat him up… in fact, i think i might weigh more than him), and he has 0 musical aptitude. He actually started complaining about bands who name their album after a song rather than finding an unique name! He said it was the epitomy of laziness! Is he dumb? Sometimes a song is clearly the emotional center of an album, and so you make it the title track. I almost flew across the table at him when he started in on this conversation, but luckily i was held back by Kathe – who apparently cannot be driven into a homicidal blood-rage by ignorance to the arts. Hmph.

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Has “Penny Lane” ever made you cry? I’m sort halfway to tears right now, and of all the Beatles songs i could think of that’s the one that popped into my head. I think it’s the reminiscent quality of “Penny Lane” … it’s a lot like Paul is recalling it, or saying goodbye to it, but he’s not really a part of it even though he used to be. Wow, this is gonna be a depressing night for you all and I, isn’t it?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2634943/