Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

selfy-stuff

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I have this magical ability to sleep. Not like Matt’s … Matt can magically sleep at any time for hours at a time. That’s just called slothfullness. What i can do is go to sleep around 6pm and then stay totally asleep until past sun-up the next morning, having all sorts of freaky dreams along the way. Typically i only do that when i’m a little under the weather, but i’ve done it twice now in the past week, so i think it now qualifies as a magical ability. Of course, now i’m awake, and i’ve got four hours to clean before we have our first intentional gathering in the apartment. What fun…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2829599/

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I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.

Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.


I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2813225/

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I literally ran into Laurel in the middle of the street the other day, and we talked for a while (after removing ourselves from the traffic flow). I don’t know about what. She said that i’ve come out of my shell (i made sure to clarify that “shell” didn’t have anything to do with “closet,” and she assured me that everyone was quite sure i was still inside of that), and while i first i was a little offended (Did she mean to imply i was some sort of corner-lurking little dweeb? I mean… moreso than i actually am?) as the conversation ebbed and flowed i saw that i really didn’t seem like the same person i was a few months ago. One of my other theatre friends recently commented that she couldn’t have lived with “the me from last year,” but she could definitely live with me now.


I feel like i should spend time staring in the mirror after comments like these to try to see what’s different, but i think that’s something the old-me would do. Maybe the new me isn’t such an obvious narcissist…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2806952/

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Tee-hee! Looks like Tom is getting ensnared in the life of another real person. I’ve got to say that i’m rather happy for him, as it’s always cute to read as bloggers slowly fall into like (or love, or whatever) with someone (and i can’t say it’s awful reading about fleeting liplocks and exchanged numbers… it makes me feel like i get out more than i actually do. Which i don’t. Which is funny, because i can really be a voyeur within the walls of my own apartment without employing my clumsy pair of binoculars. But, i digress…). Of course, it’s never fun to read about them falling out. So, erm… Tom, please just get married after your first few dates so you don’t subject us to any misery later on down the line – though i have to say that this nervous business about calling him is downright adorable. And, Tom? Please do try not to drool down your chin… and have fun.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2774966/

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Bill (the Senior who i recorded with tonight, who happens to be the head of the aforementioned 8 to the Bar) seems to be convinced of my vocal talents despite the fact that i haven’t yet manifested any of them. At this point anyone online who has cared to hear me sing has heard me through the various audio on my site, and i think it’s clear that i’m not so bad as a potential indy rockstar but i’m not going to be cast in any musicals or super boy-groups anytime soon. Despite this, Bill claims on the strength of my old demo cd that i have a massive unlocked potential, and that as soon as i learn to sing with confidence and to support notes i will “have the kind of voice that gets cast as the lead in musicals.” Bill’s a nice guy, but i’ve never heard him build anyone else up in quite the same fashion as he does me. Either he thinks i need all the encouragement i can get (and i do), or he really has that much faith in me. Which is scary.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2739262/