I seem to be under the impression that New Year’s Day starts everything over again, when in fact it’s just the same as any other day one might encounter. My mistake.
by krisis
thoughts
And, now, my favourite part of the holiday: reading all of my favourite websites on a six year old computer running Windows 95 and Netscape 4. Joy to the world, indeed.
Sometimes i go back a week or two into the archives to see what i’ve been talking about, and i’m surprised by it. How does that work?
Today is a lack of motivation in progress. I really don’t mean it to be… I’ve tried typing something, thrashing at my guitar, cooking, eating, and working on Uprush. None of it seems to head anywhere… everything feels just like treading water. I’m just wholly unmotivated by anything i can reach out and touch in this place, and the result is my sitting in this dumb plastic lawn chair staring dumbly at the screen while i blast Juliana Hatfield and sing along in falsetto. I can’t seem to manage to do anything else.
That’s what i get for pouring out all of my energy into one laser small focus for an entire day… now i’m just fizzled out. I can’t focus on anything.
My one and only final begins in three and a half hours; it is for my Philosophy class — a subject i have a rocky history with. I don’t seem to be especially concerned about it, as i have already secured my required B and would need to get a perfect score to wind up with my beloved 4.0.
There’s two points that i want to make here, two forking paths from that simple introduction that very well might lead to the same place.
The first is that classes are grinding to a halt and i am left with a wide expanse of life in front of me. It feels Strange. I know that this break from worries and scholastic commitments only lasts three weeks, and that i have umpteen personal commitments already set to eat up my time. Still, i love the idea of living without pressure… it’s been literally an entire year since i’ve had even an entire week where i could forget about things like work and studying. Suddenly i am finding time for friends that i didn’t even realize i had shut out, and i’m happy to have them back. As if that wasn’t good enough, opening up on the other side of it is a quarter that is nearly exclusively populated by Communication classes that i am sure to love. It seems like a downhill glide from here back to co-op.
The other side is that One Year has gone by since i walked into this same situation. A year since that tiny apartment with its inescapable mess and my first flight in years looming on the horizon. I’m not so much concerned with all the things that happened in the time that intervened so much as i am concerned with the length of time. A year only represents one twentieth of my life now… a number that’s not nearly as significant as a tenth or a fifteenth. Lengths of time contract rather than expand, and the nearly two years it’s been since i first kissed someone doesn’t seem materially much longer than the over a year it’s been since i first played “Relief.”
I don’t know what i’m saying. Something to the effect of life keeps going on no matter what i tend to be doing with it. I should go study; somewhere in the pit of my stomach i really do want that A.