Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

thoughts

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My one and only final begins in three and a half hours; it is for my Philosophy class — a subject i have a rocky history with. I don’t seem to be especially concerned about it, as i have already secured my required B and would need to get a perfect score to wind up with my beloved 4.0.

There’s two points that i want to make here, two forking paths from that simple introduction that very well might lead to the same place.

The first is that classes are grinding to a halt and i am left with a wide expanse of life in front of me. It feels Strange. I know that this break from worries and scholastic commitments only lasts three weeks, and that i have umpteen personal commitments already set to eat up my time. Still, i love the idea of living without pressure… it’s been literally an entire year since i’ve had even an entire week where i could forget about things like work and studying. Suddenly i am finding time for friends that i didn’t even realize i had shut out, and i’m happy to have them back. As if that wasn’t good enough, opening up on the other side of it is a quarter that is nearly exclusively populated by Communication classes that i am sure to love. It seems like a downhill glide from here back to co-op.

The other side is that One Year has gone by since i walked into this same situation. A year since that tiny apartment with its inescapable mess and my first flight in years looming on the horizon. I’m not so much concerned with all the things that happened in the time that intervened so much as i am concerned with the length of time. A year only represents one twentieth of my life now… a number that’s not nearly as significant as a tenth or a fifteenth. Lengths of time contract rather than expand, and the nearly two years it’s been since i first kissed someone doesn’t seem materially much longer than the over a year it’s been since i first played “Relief.”


I don’t know what i’m saying. Something to the effect of life keeps going on no matter what i tend to be doing with it. I should go study; somewhere in the pit of my stomach i really do want that A.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7834517/

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Sometimes my life is a town with a population of just one. It’s like living in Bumblefuck. It’s a hard thing, being the only voice and face i can hear and see for miles on end is my own. There’s only so much you can be in love with yourself; after that it gets a little lonely.

On Thursday it occurred to me for just a moment that maybe it was the loneliness that was getting to me more than anything else — that last week’s forced quarantine from anyone i cared about had left me feeling empty and alone. That my happiness is just a reflection of how happy i make other people. So, for the last three days i have given myself up to the people i love, without my typical hemming and hawing about the where and why of the situation. Thursday i sat and talked about things i never usually say. Friday i spent the entire night with someone who i value so much that i sometimes forget to even see them. Last night i sat on the floor at our brother-apartment down the street and ate dinner with over a dozen of my closest friends, and for once it felt like we were all there together and not just like we were scattered around talking like any usual party. It wasn’t a party; i know because i wasn’t miserable in the least.

My question is, how long can not being miserable in the least last? Does this mean i have to surround myself with other people all the time so that i don’t have the chance to think about myself at all? I’ve seen what happens… i eventually lose track of myself inside all of the pleasantries, and i wind up locking myself in my room with my guitar for an entire weekend to sort out my feelings. But, i don’t want to do that… i don’t want to be miserable or too inundated with happiness or feeling the need to be alone or any of it. I want to feel Balanced, and to do whatever i want to do regardless of any emotional indications of desperation or otherwise at the given time.


It remains to be seen if i can manage it.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7776784/

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Don’t be alarmed about this or anything, alright? I mean, other than the mandatory fasting that had been imposed on me i’m not in any sort of discomfort or physical danger. Basically, i was convinced my appendix was exploding, the doctors were somewhat convinced my appendix was exploding, they admitted me, and it turned out to be something that was three centimeters away from my appendix (that shows no indication of explosion). Who knew?

My mom’s bringing back $20 of magazines since i read all the books and liner notes i have with me, and my Dad’s coming with pictures of his surgery, and i am intermittently getting calls from the admissions crew. So, it’s really like a vacation … i’ve definitely stayed in hotel rooms smaller than this. Sorta puts things into perspective… firstly, that i value my academic standing about three times more than i value my health and, secondly, that i need to be getting more out of life.

It’s not as those i’m having one of those epiphanies about being thankful and all that crap, because i am thankful for what i have. What i am realizing is that i’m twenty, and that after spending two decades in a state of nearly perfect health my body is finally starting to feel the wear and tear. I’ve never before had to seriously contemplate that — tiny degradations of vision and early-onset CTS aside i’m shockingly fit for someone who’s so ignorant of their own health.

Point being… it’s not that i should be more thankful, it’s that i should just be more.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7559464/

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So,… so so so. So, today my classes were all sleepy, and i’m not sure if i learned anything. It’s not as though i didn’t get enough sleep, but this was one of those days where anything can distract me … and rest assured, that’s exactly what it did. I mostly owe this to a 20oz sized trip to Starbucks that i made with Lindsay this morning — having four shots of espresso in a drink before class is just about as bad as my having four shots of vodka instead. But, i digress.


I’ve been doing a lot of digressing lately, a lot of retreating. When i keep falling back over ground i’ve already covered it’s a little bit difficult to understand where i’m headed, but at least i know the way already.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/11/7452884/

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Of course, I would have to pick a post-holiday when my page is everything except for actually non-functional to have a chatty couple of hours. Don’t you love it? Anyhow, if you’re reading this anywhere near its posting time you should either be asleep, making a sandwich out of leftovers, or having heartburn from said sandwich.


Well, what are you waiting for?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/11/7360482/