On the phone earlier in the day my mom asked: “Did you wind up breaking up with Selina?” … yes … “Is she okay?” … no … “Are you okay?” … no … … … “Well… there’s an awkward silence. So, erm… anyway…”
by krisis
q.o.d.
I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.
Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.
I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…
You know, i’m almost hoping that no one else in the world could ever like me so i’d know that i could go back.
Although, at the same time i whine about all that, i’m the one who rampantly censored my life when i started seeing Selina because i didn’t want people to start asking me about it. So, i suppose i censor too, because typically i’d have been writing all about it … but in retrospect i’m partially happy that i didn’t. While i wish i could go back and read all about it, some things are just better kept private; this might be all about my life, but it’s not all of my life.
Word from Selina: no link to her diary. It’s a fair enough decision, since it’s a diary and not a journal or log, but i just don’t really understand putting something online if you don’t want people to read it. Well… i do get it: she doesn’t mind random people reading it, but because a lot of our friends read this page and she doesn’t want them snooping around her diary. So, though i might not really understand it, her page is more personal than this one has ever been, so it’s her call. So, yeah.
I almost have trouble wrapping my mind around how some loggers run afoul of real life friends with their logs. I mean, it’s quite obvious how people you never intended to find your site can find it, so you can never really be truly tell-all and brutal. But, at the same time, do you want to be that mean about someone behind their back on the internet? It feels rather petty to me. I think anyone i know could probably read my page other than family, and i’d back up my opinions to any of them. Where this all gets a little complicated is in the workplace; in a week i’ll be working for the admissions office, so i can’t really have them visit because they might catch some snippet of behaviour that’s obviously contrary to university policy. So, … there are limits, it’s true. However, i still don’t understand why some loggers are so intent on staying anonymous or hiding their sites; a few of them like Brant have a vested interest in not having family or friends ever finding them, but … well … i don’t know. I guess i just don’t feel like a real passive aggressive if there isn’t a slight chance for the people i’m talking about to read my log, however small it might be.