this is me feeling nothing at all
by krisis
q.o.d.
I saw Selina today. Only for a handful of minutes… i gave her a too-expensive digital video tape from last semester to use for her class. She’s in the same class that lead me to ponder how a close-up view of someones face is totally different from watching them from afar. Yeah. Anyhow, it’d been over two weeks since i saw Selina at all, and that’s a long time. Today felt right, though. We spoke as friends, we made irrelevant commentary on things, and we both had a smile on our face. Afterwards i had my first voice lesson. It all felt right.
SavvyMel on my recent trends of songwriting: “Well, after one’s suffered like…masses of depression you’re suddenly flung into a realm of euphoria or so I’ve observed. But this is freaking cool because you’re peppy songs are turning out to be great ventures of musical experience.”
Um, Mel, was that a compliment?
(and now, for the requisite pining romantic post of the AM). And, of course, now that i’m worth responding to and all that, when i theoretically should be interested in getting other people interested in me, i miss Selina. Of course, my friends mostly seem to think i shouldn’t ever get back together with her, and most of her friends tell her she can find someone better for her than me, but that’s what friends are for: saying things. Of course, if enough of them say the same thing you start believing them, which is why they say all of those things to begin with. In a way i just miss her, because i’ve never gone this long without seeing her or hearing her voice, but of course there’re other perspectives too. The more and more i tell people i don’t want to be dating my first girlfriend one or two years from now the less and less i believe it.
Gina told me today that her and Joey didn’t have an especially easy first few months, and that she endlessly pestered him while he was entirely laid back. They just had their three year anniversary. She said “look, i’m not going to tell you that if you wait through stuff now everything will be perfect for you in three years, but if you find someone you’d still like to be with in three years you need to sit it out.”
That’s why they call them Best Friends: they give the best advice. I knew there was a reason i always mean to talk to Gina more often…
I’m starting to feel like a real person. I have friends, i go places, i spend money … all things real people do. I had this spectacular conviction a few months ago that i was completely two-dimensional, and no one could convince me otherwise until Selina. Selina turned me into a real person who honestly believes in their life, and now everything i do has an extra dimension where before it was just flat. And, people are actually responding to me – because i believe i’m worth responding to now.