Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

resolve

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After 10 straight hours trying to get php to work, it works. Of course, blogger doesn’t work. In the end, the problem is always blogger itself. It’s not as though i’m going to leave… i like the integration of everything and it’s all very convenient and with all this php i’m just using blogger to post my files in the plainest html ever and i do the rest on the server side. All i ask is that blogger publish my main page, and my weekly archives. That’s all it needs to do every again. Ever. And can it do that? No. And will i give up now after working for 10 hours? No. And, are my legs totally black and blue from punching them every time blogger doesn’t publish, and are my fingertips totally raw from biting at them and stabbing away with my exacto blade, and am i hot and miserable and do i have any weekend left at all? Figure it out.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/4010155/

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You know, sometimes resolve in one part of a song is just a bridge to more tension in the rest of it (which is really what “Bridge” is about musically and lyrically). Remember when i said i had resolve with Selina? Well… that was resolve on our whole post-romance situation, which leaves us now just as casual friends who happen to share two common months of history. But, i’m finding out that doesn’t mean all that much.

The sad thing is that i never learned to like Selina as her own self, just as who she was when she was with me, and now that i get to observe her without me and with me (but not with me) i’m finding out that i don’t like anything about her at all. Today i totally blew up at her in the middle of our fraternity car wash (i’ll get to that…) to the point where i think some of the other members got inbetween us in case i decided to go berserk and pummel her. Honestly, it’s like now that i have resolve about never wanting to be back with her and knowing that she’s moved on to someone else, i don’t feel as though i have to treat her delicately or pull any punches. She’s honestly no one i’d ever be able to be friends with, and i honestly think i can manage to dislike her. Maybe just if i try real hard…


I wasn’t allowed to sing along to songs on the radio at points while dating her because my pitch wasn’t good enough for her. That’s one of the meanest things anyone’s ever done to me. Last night she told me in the middle of a party that i “was allowed to sing to Ani songs, but not to that song” and i just turned around and told her to shut up. The ironic part? For all of her many talents, Selina is far and away not one of the better singers i know. She goes flat every run-through of her song with the a capella group and she can’t sight read her parts – and she’s so busy bitching about her many inabilities and issues that i learn the parts from shutting my mouth and opening my ears before she ever even tries to read the music.


Sorry you’re having to read all of this … there’s really no point. Or maybe there is … i hold all of the cards; i don’t like her, i don’t want to be nice to her, and i no longer feel belittled by any of her talents. I know now that i don’t have to like everyone, even if it makes me look bad. And, honestly, i don’t look all that bad.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/05/3606035/

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I was just idly chatting with Selina after our fraternity meeting, and she told me that she’s “seeing someone.”

::deep breath::

I thought i was going to be crushed or hurt or something when this finally happened (and i think i knew she’d move on to someone else before i would), but i’m not. It just feels like the whole situation with the two of us resolved somehow – whereas before there was something slightly dischordant stretched out between us. Resolve might be the best feeling i’ve ever known; do any of your favourite songs end without one? For those of you who aren’t musically inclined, that usually means the song ends on a chord other than the one you were ‘expecting’, or when it ends you feel the notes moving towards something but they never get there – instead they just hang in the air and trail out. I wonder of things like that have an effect on whether or not people like a song… because i honestly can only think of one song that i love which doesn’t resolve. It’s almost like how we expect a happy end to movies, even though we know real stories don’t always turn out that way. Our ears expect something even though the only thing that would lead us to expect it is the gravity of the notes themselves. Or, the actors to the plot. Or, the people to each other. But, sometimes in life resolve involves drifting away as much as it does coming together.

Or maybe a little of both.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/05/3474273/

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The scars are slowly fading, you know. I hurt myself the night Selina and i broke up, and i had the angry red scar on my leg this whole time, smoldering underneath my clothing as a physical reminder of what i was feeling. Lately i managed to forget about it a little, and just now i looked down to find it no more tangible than a line drawn with an unsharpened pink crayon. I think it’ll just be unbroken skin again a third into May, which will mark two months since we broke up. And four months since we got together. And i’ve almost found my equilibrium again.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/04/3356324/

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Hmph. G’morning. She seems to be reading this now, which is amusing because we had just both agreed not to read each other’s webpages a few days ago. To be fair, she probably caught wind of it from reading Post-sBlog2 and came over to see what i was saying. She just informed me that she was not drinking virgin drinks the entire night and that she got severely drunk, which is fine by me, but i know i saved her at least two or three shots worth of misery (which could have been the difference between drunk and getting hurt). Even having slept on her last comment (scroll down two posts, silly) made by email i don’t know what to do – and of course she read that i don’t know what to do and now knows that in reality she’s in control, because i didn’t really want to break up. But… i might want to stay broken up. I don’t know.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2718660/