Crushing Krisis

The Newest Oldest Blog In New Zealand

resolve

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I have this idiot clear red poker visor on right now, because our director Bill had this obscenely large box of them (frightening only because it implies he had some sinister use for them in the show that never came to fruition) and he had the entire cast and crew pick one of the garish colors out from the box during our strike. Honestly, it’s sort of like always being under a red spotlight, because it casts the same glow the lighting gels do, and it washes out all of the red coloring of my hands when they’re in the light. Maybe Bill meant to say we’re always under the spotlight, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of thirty ugly poker visors, or maybe he just wanted his whole cast to look silly as they trudged home from the show.

There was this idiot kid dead center tonight. I talk to the audience once at the very beginning of the play, and once at the end; at the beginning i am in character and warming them up to the sort of show they’ll be seeing, and at the end i am totally myself, telling them that there is no happy end to be found. The ending is hard to find humor in, as the primary cast stalks up to the front of the stage one by one to remind the audience that there is no happy end. Tonight i walked forward for my solo bit of the epilogue, and that kid was right there. I remember him from orientation …, he wore this idiot blue visor with all of his chunky dyed blonde hair sticking up behind it, and he kept trying to break dance at night even though he was awful at it and he was getting in everyone’s way. It struck me that he mocked everything because he wasn’t really a part of any of it.


Tonight i walked past him and he wasn’t laughing with me but at me, and not in the way an audience is meant to. I just said my line to him and walked away. “Unhappy endings were expected too…” I had the stage, i was a lead in a play with my own song and my name listed first in a program, and he sat there in the audience and tried to have power over me with his hollow little laugh – as if i was supposed to see him mocking me and just break character and forget all of my lines and break down and let him win. But, he had nothing on me, because no matter how much i might have hated being in this play every night, when i’m on stage i am in charge.

He wasn’t wearing his visor, though. And i’m sitting here, wondering what else i have in common with him.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2635971/

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I never blog from my girlfriend’s place, so she has no idea where my page is (though it’s rather easy to find via search engines). While this means less updates for the page, it also means i can bitch about her without fear of retribution :p … not that i fear retribution or anything, but god knows i’ve had issues with not being able to talk about my friends before because they snoop around, so i like the separation i’ve managed to establish.


Okay, so, as you might have gathered, i go over to her place a lot. A lot. There has only been a single day in the last 3 weeks where we saw absolutely nothing of each other. I’m fine with this, because i really don’t mind being intense or clingy or any of that stuff, but sometimes i just want to sit here. I like to sit here. My computer is here. my music is here. My bass is here.


This is apparently a problem, because she has fixed it in her head that i’m coming over when i’m obviously sitting here with a horrible head cold just wanting to ache all by my lonesome. I am a highly rational person, and as such i expect to not want to be near other people when i’m sick – because i don’t want to infect them and because i feel slimy. So, i am staying here.


In case you were wondering, my declaration of staying here caught me a lot of shit because she’s sicker and wants me to keep her company, but she needs to learn how to deal with that. While i would love to be with her 24/7 every day, i would also like to live my own life 24/7 every day, and i can’t totally sacrifice one for the other so they’ll have to find a middle ground. Maybe i’m supposed to give up the comfort of my own apartment so i can be trapped in her tiny dorm room every night, and maybe the fact that i don’t want to do that makes me less mature than she thought i was. Or, maybe she’s supposed to compromise and come here every so often. What i do know is that I am not a child’s toy that can be possessed, and sometimes i like to sleep in my own damned bed.


And that’s as much as you’re gonna hear about my girlfriend for a while.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/02/2225034/

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So, i’m a weakling and i want to spend more time with my theatre friends. That means i’ll be at auditions. And now i’m going to cry. But, these posts were meant to make you aware of the fact that i’m not as defenseless and rejected as i’d have you think. All of my problems are brought down upon myself, and if they aren’t that means i know how to fix them and just don’t want to. Oh, and i promise to have a trio tomorrow, i just didn’t have anything to sing about tonite.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/12/1550524/