Whatever you do, never get the name of your significant other tattooed on your body, anywhere. Never. I know you might like them, i know you might be together forever, i know you want to remember them, but just don’t do it. Okay? Cool.
by krisis
I actually hadn’t figured that out for years and years. I honestly thought that the echos swirling around in my own head and the occasional fleeting contact would be more than enough to sustain me. But i was wrong. I need an audience, a support system, and a friend. Or more than just one. What i do know is that we can transmit feelings through touch. Only two weeks ago i would’ve laughed if you told me that. Have you ever really held someone’s hand? Held it like it was its own separate conversation, where the squeeze of your fingers says more in the middle of a sad story than any hug or sympathetic word or anything else? I say all that i have said with my lips and other things, and sometimes the other things are just as important.
I feel like staying at Drexel is like settling for obscurity. I will never be a rock star at Drexel. I will never be a Journalist at Drexel. I will never matter at Drexel. Is this defeatist? Maybe… but i don’t think so. I know i matter, but i just don’t know if i can make it happen here. Maybe that’s why i like the internet so much: for its ability to let me touch down in every city and town in the united states. What it comes down to is that i’m tied to Philadelphia, and the mere thought of leaving almost sends me into a fit of tears. If i transferred i would have to go to another city, and not just the outskirts of Philly or New Jersey. So, it might never happen. Justin is working on his transfer right now; last year in march i said i’d go with him. I still want to.
My life weebles and wobbles but it just doesn’t fall down. I can’t explain it. Despite the most awful things happening, they always turn out for the best in the end.
My mother and i were essentially kicked out of our house at the end of my Junior year by the owners because they wanted to sell it. I had lived in that house for all but three years of my life. I refused to leave. My mother wanted to buy a nice little house somewhere verging on suburbia, but there was the small matter of my attending the best highschool in the state, which i would hardly have left just for senior year. In the end i convinced her to rent a house on the verges of South Philly, because i know that when she actually buys a place it should be one she loves, not one she settles for. It was all very depressing at the time, but Senior year wound up being one of the best of my life, despite all the shitty parts. I wound up living within walking distance of Gina and Anastasia, and i could actually take a shopping trip to South Street at my leisure. I had my own room on my own tiny third floor. Our kitchen was nice. I was happy.
Lots of other things have righted themselves over the years to keep my life going at its usual pace. I only got into a local university but they gave me lots of money and inexplicably wound up happy there. I almost didn’t find an apartment (chronicled at length in the first week of the archive) but wound up in a super-cheap and easily accessible one. But, life doesn’t always work out so perfectly. For some people, it doesn’t work out at all. I have too many friends who got into a local university and got zero money who are now unhappy and in debt. I know too many people who had to move home because they didn’t figure out where to live in time for the beginning of the semester. I know too many unhappy people.
Yesterday i confronted the fact that my smile might have finally become used up. For years and years i just glided through my occasional problems with a grin pasted onto my face, because they all got fixed eventually and life moved on. Suddenly i’m starting to realize that not everything fixes itself, and that i don’t know how much good cheer i really have left to get me through the bad spots
Imagine that… i’m 19 and just learning that “happily ever after” only really happens in fairy tales and first-date movies. I’ve never had to confront the possibility before; i always assumed that bad things only happened to people who weren’t thinking positively. Now i’m starting to realize that keeping a smile on my face isn’t the best defense, and that sometimes it cuts as cruelly as any situation i might be unsuspectingly plunged into. But my life is still all-good, and that scares me. No one is continually blessed. The gods only have so much attention to give.
Well, proving how negligent i’ve been with my daily reading, i just finally noticed that DayZero is back with a sweet streamlined look! Oh, and, hey, don’t forget about Tom & Meg are nominated for slews of Bloggies between them, and they both are linked from my sidebar as well. Wow, i really keep myself with a hip crowd, don’t i? It’s a shame hardly any of them know who i am…