Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

selfy-stuff

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Somehow, some way, Drexel Battle of the Bands is still a go and i am still the co-chair of the whole ordeal. While this is sucky for me, since i won’t be able to battle for (and win) a spot on the stage at our spring concert, i still get to go on a mad power trip as i judge all of the entries. Go me! Anyhow, this just makes the term so much more busy, and i can’t even imagine how i’m going to make it through. The battle submissions are due the week of the play and the battle coincides with Drexel hosting my fraternity convention… should be fun! Luckily, there are plenty of music fraternity people in the play, and we’re the cosponsor of the battle, so in a way it all works out. It all works out. There’s a mantra for ya…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1911629/

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You know what i totally don’t understand? Trying to be someone you aren’t (ie: more attractive, less obnoxious) to try to lure someone into your personal web of romance. Sure, it’s nice in theory, but if you have any serious intentions with someone would you really think you can hide those awful character traits forever? Face it, babe, the annoying laugh or the fact that you actually aren’t charming at all are going to be obvious any day once you finally get a relationship going. Call me naive, but i’d rather just stay honest straight through the day and meet someone that way. It’s bound to happen eventually…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1910014/

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You might point out with an ironic tinge to your tone that i pour out my heart here, and that’s why i feel so lacking in the rest of my life, but most of what i say here is the sort of thing you find out in the first ten minutes of conversation with me every day. I’m sorta just here… no awful inner conflicts or anything, just standing here. I almost want to feel the piercing pain of my broken bone again just to remind me what the difference is between hurt and happy, and so i have something to talk about. Feel free to point that out to me the next time i bitch about getting hurt…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888993/

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A search through my archives for the word ‘girlfriend’ comes up nearly empty-handed, and certainly the finds it makes are irrelevant. I said somewhere a few months ago that i just wasn’t ready to make room for anyone else in my life, but i think at this point i need to make room for someone. As it is right now, i have all of these friends who i love very dearly, but hardly any of them feel as close as i want them to be. None of them are a person i’d confide in, because frankly i have nothing to confide. I’m so extroverted within my circle of friends that there aren’t any hidden impulses for me to divulge in late night phone conversations or in the back of class. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s left my chest empty. So, maybe i need to make room and find someone, anyone, so that i can feel truely close to someone again. But… how can i get close when i’ve got nothing of my own to give back except my ears? That might be enough to keep someone else around, but it isn’t enough to keep me…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888869/

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I am missing something very tangible and yet totally unknown to me. I do well in school, my financial situation is okay, i have great friends, … and yet right now i just feel trapped inside my own life. Maybe it’s just a beginning of the term depression as i see 10 fresh weeks of schoolwork stretch out in front of me, but i don’t want to play this stupid game anymore. There isn’t a liberal arts class at Drexel that can truly challenge me, and i don’t want to be a scientist. Aside from needing to learn more history in general and of art i could literally leave school today and do Journalism just as well as i’ll be able to do it in four years. I don’t need to take a public speaking class, which is the only applicable one i managed to schedule for this term because upperclassmen have scheduling preference over me. But, does it really make a difference? I glossed through every communications class i’ve had so far without even trying to work and my in-major gpa is higher than 3.5.

But, it’s not really about classes, is it? Or, it isn’t just classes. I fill my plate with so many different things because in the end i’m not doing any of them. Maybe that’s why i adore and despise the theatre so much: i can’t fake it, and i actually have to work for it. Anything else right now pales in comparison, and i am looking towards tomorrow night’s rehearsal like a beacon, because tomorrow day will be meaningless and empty. Tomorrow night i will get to have a skill, and to work to better it. Tomorrow night i will be on stage and i will feel like a person. The theatre will be empty, but it won’t matter at all.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888822/