Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

self-critique

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Ack, i’m awful, aren’t i. I’ve been pretty shitty towards y’all lately and i haven’t really been explaining myself so much as i’ve been continuously apologizing, and that isn’t especially fair. For those of you who haven’t caught on, i am currently a blogger over at SurvivorBlog2, where i’m revealing all sorts of dirty little details that i’d never say here. So… you can go read it, but i’m not nearly as nice there as i am here so brace yourselves.

Or, maybe the problem is how nice i am here. Yes… that’s right, y’all have pushed me into that awful web-journal corner where too many people i’m afraid to offend have access to this site and i don’t have anything cutting to say anymore. Argh. I’m in a terrible mood. Go read something else. Or don’t. I should probably go to sleep eventually. Thanx for reading.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2031247/

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I am missing something very tangible and yet totally unknown to me. I do well in school, my financial situation is okay, i have great friends, … and yet right now i just feel trapped inside my own life. Maybe it’s just a beginning of the term depression as i see 10 fresh weeks of schoolwork stretch out in front of me, but i don’t want to play this stupid game anymore. There isn’t a liberal arts class at Drexel that can truly challenge me, and i don’t want to be a scientist. Aside from needing to learn more history in general and of art i could literally leave school today and do Journalism just as well as i’ll be able to do it in four years. I don’t need to take a public speaking class, which is the only applicable one i managed to schedule for this term because upperclassmen have scheduling preference over me. But, does it really make a difference? I glossed through every communications class i’ve had so far without even trying to work and my in-major gpa is higher than 3.5.

But, it’s not really about classes, is it? Or, it isn’t just classes. I fill my plate with so many different things because in the end i’m not doing any of them. Maybe that’s why i adore and despise the theatre so much: i can’t fake it, and i actually have to work for it. Anything else right now pales in comparison, and i am looking towards tomorrow night’s rehearsal like a beacon, because tomorrow day will be meaningless and empty. Tomorrow night i will get to have a skill, and to work to better it. Tomorrow night i will be on stage and i will feel like a person. The theatre will be empty, but it won’t matter at all.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888822/

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I tried to record something… really, i did… it’s all shit. If i could have made it through any one song on any given take, the Trio would have been “Silent All These Years,” “Untouchable Face,” & “Stupid Girl.” But, it’s not, because i suck. Go listen to a cd.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/12/1821587/

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I haven’t seen anyone from highschool in ages and ages. I had a whole lot of friends in this year’s senior class from my various activities and extracurriculars (mostly because last year’s class was a bunch of idiots), and i haven’t seen any of them more than once or twice since i graduated. And then of course there are members of my own class, who i lost touch with as soon as graduation was over. I’ve just never been good at staying in touch with people when i can’t see them. I suppose i just have a hard time cultivating a relationship over the internet when i know full well i could be cultivating it in person (whereas with ‘net friends i’m fine with just chatting online). Or… or maybe i’m just a lazy and horrible person who is much too into personal time to pursue all of his old friends whether it only be to NJ or all the way out to CA. Either way, i need to ditch the habit.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/12/1643562/

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So, Matt ratted me out in regards to how entrancing i believe Rabi at WockerJabby to be, and through the magic of referral logs she {of course} read it. I just hope she doesn’t think i’m stalking her or anything; i just think she’s really neat.

What’s sorta interesting in the light of Matt’s accusation that i’m obsessed with Rabi is that i’m not obsessed with anyone. No one. And, as much as i whine and bitch and moan about being only obsessed with myself, i tend to fall for people. I fall hard. That’s why this is called crushing krisis … it just works on so many levels. But, not being obsessed is a healthy phenomenon. As much fun as it might be, and as conducive to songwriting as it might be, if i can’t give a girl space just within my crush on her, how could i ever realistically be romantically involved with her?

This whole lack of an obsessive center thing made it hard for me to title the new layout for AMkitchen. I joke constantly that whoever gets the majority of songs written about them on my next demo will get it named after them, but in a way it’s true; i gauge the emotional center of my current performance staples by who they’re about, and inevitably one songs becomes the center of all the others. For the majority of this year that song was “Under My Skin,” but lately i’m just not feeling it as much as i used to when i played it. So, looking at the spread of images from this past summer that are currently illustrating my website, i found myself at a loss for a name or a title song. I wound up naming the new layout ‘resolve,’ because above anything else my writing recently has been showing a sense of resolution. I feel resolved, and I have resolve. Resolve.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/12/1634316/