Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

thoughts

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You never know how your first fight will end. You could be in the most idealic relationship ever, perfect and smiling and doting and happy, and a single fight could tear it all down. Maybe she cries too much or isn’t rational, or maybe you speak without thinking or are cold-hearted. I can’t imagine how you could predict that sort of thing; what the fight would be about, why, how it would end. Sure, you could be optimistic and just hope it’s trivial and that it leads to make-up sex, but how realistic is that, really?

So, maybe i picked a fight on Sunday. I think maybe we both did. The problem seems to be that we have nearly the exact same ambition, except i am all optimism with my assuming it’ll be alright, and she’s all pessimism and striving to make her goals come to her. Of course, pitting an optimist and a pessimist who both want to write for a living, act for fun, and be rock stars against each other is never too beautiful. Everything wound up fine, though, which was good, because after crying on the floor for an hour tonight i needed someone to talk to.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2174343/

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Whatever you do, never get the name of your significant other tattooed on your body, anywhere. Never. I know you might like them, i know you might be together forever, i know you want to remember them, but just don’t do it. Okay? Cool.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2106271/

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My life weebles and wobbles but it just doesn’t fall down. I can’t explain it. Despite the most awful things happening, they always turn out for the best in the end.

My mother and i were essentially kicked out of our house at the end of my Junior year by the owners because they wanted to sell it. I had lived in that house for all but three years of my life. I refused to leave. My mother wanted to buy a nice little house somewhere verging on suburbia, but there was the small matter of my attending the best highschool in the state, which i would hardly have left just for senior year. In the end i convinced her to rent a house on the verges of South Philly, because i know that when she actually buys a place it should be one she loves, not one she settles for. It was all very depressing at the time, but Senior year wound up being one of the best of my life, despite all the shitty parts. I wound up living within walking distance of Gina and Anastasia, and i could actually take a shopping trip to South Street at my leisure. I had my own room on my own tiny third floor. Our kitchen was nice. I was happy.


Lots of other things have righted themselves over the years to keep my life going at its usual pace. I only got into a local university but they gave me lots of money and inexplicably wound up happy there. I almost didn’t find an apartment (chronicled at length in the first week of the archive) but wound up in a super-cheap and easily accessible one. But, life doesn’t always work out so perfectly. For some people, it doesn’t work out at all. I have too many friends who got into a local university and got zero money who are now unhappy and in debt. I know too many people who had to move home because they didn’t figure out where to live in time for the beginning of the semester. I know too many unhappy people.

Yesterday i confronted the fact that my smile might have finally become used up. For years and years i just glided through my occasional problems with a grin pasted onto my face, because they all got fixed eventually and life moved on. Suddenly i’m starting to realize that not everything fixes itself, and that i don’t know how much good cheer i really have left to get me through the bad spots


Imagine that… i’m 19 and just learning that “happily ever after” only really happens in fairy tales and first-date movies. I’ve never had to confront the possibility before; i always assumed that bad things only happened to people who weren’t thinking positively. Now i’m starting to realize that keeping a smile on my face isn’t the best defense, and that sometimes it cuts as cruelly as any situation i might be unsuspectingly plunged into. But my life is still all-good, and that scares me. No one is continually blessed. The gods only have so much attention to give.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2097862/

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I saw a friend today who i haven’t seen in almost a month, and she smiled the biggest smile when she realized it was me who was walking towards her on the sidewalk. There’s no other feeling like putting a broad genuine smile on someone’s face. Nothing.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2087737/

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If you were leaving right now, what would you pack? I found myself thinking about that question last night. Would i bring my suitcase stuffed full of memories and spare socks, or just a tiny bag with what i felt was really necessary. I packed and repacked both bags several times, trying to find out exactly what i needed to get by, and here’s what i came up with (even if i still don’t know where to fit it all):

a box of tea bags and my favourite mug; all of my underwear and a week’s worth of socks; two pairs of jeans; my signed garbage cd; scissors; my checkbook; my poetry book, a pencil, and a pencil sharpener; four unionbay teeshirts, two short sleeved and two long; my flip flops; a picture of my aunt joyce and her daughter Cary; my camera; two pairs of gloves and a hat; my guitar; a toothbrush and q-tips; my red bandanna; a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt; my stuffed wizard.

So, at least i’ve identified my essential needs. Now i’ve just got to figure out where to go with them…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2087717/