Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

memories

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I am going to let you in on something i just found out tonight, in the hopes that you put the information to good use sometime in the future.

When you are invited to play an “acoustic night” at a college bar, you actually are not being asked to come and play acoustic music. The request is much nearer to: “Please come and provide a soundtrack for this crowd of drunk wanna-be frat guys and their not-quite pretty girl friends. Be advised that these men do not like the sound of an acoustic guitar unless it involves the sweet strains of Mr. Dave Matthews, and that they like listening to the songs of chick singers less than they like toothy blowjobs. Do not seek to entertain their girlfriends, as they will be too busy trying to look vaguely pretty and acting as though they are interested in talking to their increasingly intoxicated boyfriends. In light of these facts, we’re really asking you to come and play a half hour of cover songs that drunk guys know the approximate words to, and if you were planning to play originals they should be in the style of the esteemed Mr. Matthews or Bob Marley, may his soul rest in ganja-filled peace. And, no, they are not kidding when they yell ‘Freebird’ or ‘Stairway'”

“Splinter” and “No Second Chance” fell totally flat despite the fact that they are both very electric modern-rock affairs even when stripped down to one guitar. After half-hearted clapping for the latter song i deadpanned “don’t let me interupt your drinking experience; I am here to augment your drunkeness,” which didn’t even raise a chuckle from the audience but thankfully ended their patronizing clapping. In one last attempt to catch anyone’s attention i played “Under My Skin,” but at this point no one was vaguely listening to me with half an ear, so i decided to just have fun and ignore everyone for the rest of the set. “Up & Down” came out better than it has before despite messing with the timing a little, “Trouble With Poets” was nearly perfect,” “Lost” was nice to hear high up but definitely loses all of its viciousness, “Never Say Goodbye” came and went without much fanfare, and i was asked to play one more song while the next band got set up so i played a very very mean version of “Hold on Me” rather than what i was asked to play.

Yes, that means i subjected one poor unsuspecting audience to the terrible trio of breaking up (Spl, U&D, HoM), but i didn’t even mind. I can certainly keep playing “acoustic nights” to firm up my on-stage bravery in the face of tepid apathy, but if i want to get any kind of reaction at all i suppose i have to actually find some people who like folk music. Imagine that.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/3974565/

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Have i beat this horse to death yet? Oh no! I think it moved! Beat it more!

#1 is true. I have had exactly one serious scrape or cut, ever, and it wasn’t even that serious. This wasn’t a trick, folks, because a broken collarbone is neither a scrape nor a cut. Once i cut open my finger on a catfood lid and it bled for about an hour, but i didn’t even need a stitch. I must’ve been fifteen or sixteen and i remember being amused when my neighbor put on latex gloves to help me bandage up my finger because it meant he assumed i actually had the chance to catch any bloodborne diseases, which was a little flattering. Later that summer he gave offered me a bass guitar and some cocaine, of which i took one.

#2 is true. I used to have a foot fetish before i understood what was supposed to be attractive about people. Um, yeah. It’s hard for something about girls to be hot when you’re five, so i think i just arbitrarily picked feet. It was actually pretty funny, because if i was hanging out with a girl with her shoes off it was entirely equal to me walking down the street now and seeing someone i know who’s totally topless and trying to have a conversation with her without making her aware of looking directly at or directly away from her chest. I think the reason everyone thought i was a bit gay when i was little is because sometimes i’d get distracted by boys with nice feet. Yeah… the weirdness knows no bounds.

#4 is true. I still fit into my first pair of jeans. My first pair of jeans were purchased in eighth grade, and i’m wearing them right now as cutoffs. There wasn’t a reason to have jeans when i wore a uniform to school every day, and seventh grade was the year of the sweatsuit. And, since i barely nudge having over a 30inch waist now, 30×30’s were massive on me six years ago. Love that trim girlish figure.

#5 is false! Before this year i had cried exactly twice since i left grade school? What utter tripe; i’m such a fucking wuss. I’ve cried on the phone to Gina, cried when we had to put my cat Keeko to sleep, and once i mustered up some rockin’ alligator-tears for a substitute we had in English class who wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom. Suckers.

#9 is true. I have never been outside of this time zone. Okay, this one is a little fudgey, but only because of my mother. As far as i ever knew, i had never been out of this time zone, having only been up to Boston and down to Florida. However, my mother informs me that Jamaica is indeed in the next time zone over from this one, and i have visited there twice, albeit very briefly. However, i’m still counting this question as true because i didn’t have a watch with me in Jamaica on either trip and my mother never saw it fit to tell me that we had lost an hour on the way down or gained one on the way up. Way to go mom. So, from now on this is false, but up until today i had no idea.

#11 is true. Until next year i will have spent a third of my life on welfare, a fifth of my life in braces, and nearly half my life without ever having a friend enter my bedroom. After my parents got separated my mother and i were on government assistance for quite some time while she bartended at night and went to nursing school during the day. I will never oppose welfare because i am a result of the welfare system gone right, and if you’d like to tell me that the goverment shouldn’t provide for people in a tough position then you’re telling me that my mother should have never gone to college and that i’m not supposed to be here either, among other things. So, there’s a real life story for you, chew on that. I had braces for four and a quarter years, and it was not fun, but my teeth are absolutely perfect now. I had exactly two friends ever enter my bedroom in the house where i lived for nearly a decade and a half, because i had no friends and even the ones i had hardly ever came to my house, let alone my bedroom. After we moved i had a ton of people who came into my bedroom, and since most of my friends were girls i think it made my mom a little nervous, but nothing steamy ever happened. I mean, why would anything steamy happen? I am the opposite of steam, yet i am not ice because then i would be cool. Contemplate that one.

#12 is true. I learned to subtract from playing Monopoly. A lot of my friends somehow contrived to learn how to read at age three or four, and i can’t imagine that, but i knew math very early. I was a kid who was into doing things, so my mom eventually resorted to Risk and Monopoly hoping to bore me to death, but it didn’t work. At all. However, being a resourceful mother, she just made it a point to teach me how to make change through playing Monopoly (and how to achieve socio-economic domination through the both combined) so that in first grade math was barely as hard as raiding the $1’s drawer. In fact, when i got tested for MG at the end of first grade they gave me this really complicated problem about babysitting and i blithely used multiplication to answer it while the tester let her mouth hang open and my mom smirked to herself. Don’t ever ask her about it, though, or she’ll brag about showing me mentally engaging flashcards rather than talk about board games.

#16 is true. is true. I was the worst reader in my first grade class. Even though i was a tremendously good student, and could spell well, and had very high listening comprehension, i couldn’t ever put it all together and read. There’s one infamous story i have about those giant reading charts with the pictures next to the vocabulary words. One day i got this word that made absolutely no sense to me and the picture seems to look a lot like Toucan Sam with a drippy nose and i just stared and stared at it until finally one of my classmates shouted out “it’s ‘water’!” Coulda fooled me. That summer i read my first book (a children’s version of Dracula … can you see how i got so fucked up? This is like the “how did Peter get so fucked up” game) Somehow by the end of second grade i was in the top reading group in the class, and in third grade i was reading books for eighth graders. And everyone lived happily ever after. The end.

#21 is true. I refused to wear anything coloured navy to the point of a temper tantrum until it became one of my school colors last year. It looked much too much like black and it always was trying to trick me into buying it, and if my mom handed me that even looked a little like navy i would go into full-out only-child tantrum mode until the piece of clothing was back on the rack. If you were ever wondering, that’s why “touch” has the following line: “there’s no place to touch you, skin sweet with navy blue, but it’s so close to black though.” Damn those hot indy-rock girls and their navy tee-shirts. Actually, it turns out i look really good in navy; who knew?

#22 is true. is true. Both girls i’ve ever asked out on a date wound up kissing my best friends. Another fudged one; it’s actually all three girls i’ve ever asked out on a date. Juliana was the first, and she wound up dating Justin. (Evil) Kate (daughter of a local news anchor) was second (see “Falling Down“), and she wound up being slutty with the now-disavowed Lucas. Jesse with blue hair was the last one (see “Afterglow“), and she had her first hook-up with Andrea. Anastasia never hooked up with any of my best friends; she just neglected to acknowledge my romantic existance so i never asked her out. Lots of songs about that…

And that, my friends, is more than you should ever have to hear about my life in a single week. Goodnight.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/3916597/

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Revised list: 9 true, 1 false.

  1. I have had exactly one serious scrape or cut, ever, and it wasn’t even that serious.
  2. I used to have a foot fetish before i understood what was supposed to be attractive about people.

  3. True: In my life i have consumed under 1 gallon combined of beer and/or cola.
  4. I still fit into my first pair of jeans.
  5. Before this year i had cried exactly twice since i left grade school.

  6. True: I haven’t shared a residence with more than one person at a time since i was 4.

  7. True: I was the reigning math word-problem champion in our Christian School League for two years running.

  8. True: I have never eaten a cut of steak other than filet mignon when i was little, because my mom liked it.
  9. I have never been outside of this time zone.

  10. False! For the duration of highschool i claimed i had my first and only kiss to that point playing spin the bottle in 7th grade to avoid further romantic scrutiny.
  11. Until next year i will have spent a third of my life on welfare, a fifth of my life in braces, and nearly half my life without ever having a friend enter my bedroom.
  12. I learned to subtract from playing Monopoly.

  13. False! After my 5th birthday I have had a birthday party every even-numbered year of my life, until this year broke the streak.

  14. True: I briefly organized my 200+ cd spines to make a color spectrum, but the stress of having both black, grey and white Tori Amos cds made me give it up.

  15. True: Up until i stopped knowing what i wanted to be, i wanted to be a veterinarian.
  16. I was the worst reader in my first grade class.

  17. True: A girl kissed me aproximately 3 years, 2 months, and 2 hours after when i originally asked a girl if she’d kiss me.

  18. True: The first time i was ever on stage i didn’t want to be there, and i forgot all of the words.

  19. True: In fifth grade i was the only student who decided to drop music class in favor of private (non-musical) study.

  20. True: I haven’t thrown up since 7th grade save for one nasty experience with Aftershock.
  21. I refused to wear anything coloured navy to the point of a temper tantrum until it became one of my school colors last year.
  22. Both girls i’ve ever asked out on a date wound up kissing my best friends.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/3900342/

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Okay, here’s some quickies.

#6 is true. I haven’t shared a residence with more than one person at a time since i was 4. My parents separated when i was four, and since i’ve gotten to college i’ve only had one roommate at a time. This streak looks as though it will be broken next year, since we’re looking at 4-bedroom houses.

#8 is true. I have never eaten a cut of steak other than filet mignon when i was little, because my mom liked it. I’ve had all sorts of processed steak and beef products, but to this point i’ve never had a piece of a cut of steak (and i never liked filet mignon either).


#19 is true. In fifth grade i was the only student who decided to drop music class in favor of private (non-musical) study. After the aforementioned Christmas show, we were all given the option to quit music class to do work during that period; this was the music teacher’s way of telling us that we should definitely keep playing an instrument. Of course, i quit without a second thought, and since i had straight A’s anyway i usually just helped Ms. Mann grade tests while everyone else was in music class. Subsequently, i was forced to teach myself to read music from the from the choirgirl hotel book at the beginning of my Senior year.


However, #10 is false! This statement is an utter and total fabrication: for the duration of highschool i claimed i had my first and only kiss to that point playing spin the bottle in 7th grade to avoid further romantic scrutiny. I’ve never even watched anyone play spin the bottle, let alone participated, and i was pretty vocal about having never been kissed all throughout highschool (probably one of the reasons no one wanted to date me… since i was almost proud of not dating anyone up to that point). I made it a point not to talk about my romantic inexperience when i arrived at Drexel, and thus i had to tell my first kiss that she was my first kiss, at which point we kissed again. So… obviously i was only supposed to gab about my romantic inexperience when i stood to directly gain pity-kisses from it (which is not to say i wasn’t offered pity kisses in high school … i was offered them left and right. However, there’s a difference between a pity kiss and kissing someone for real and then having a pity kiss.)


That leaves the requisite 9 truths and a lie. Any guesses?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/3900280/

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#18 is true. The first time i was ever on stage i didn’t want to be there, and i forgot all of the words. Okay… this one is a little fudgy, but it holds up. I had obviously been on stage before this experience, whether it be to accept my treasured Christian leauge math awards (i obviously intend to bring that Christmas shows. However, that’s not where it gets fudgy; the first two times i was a featured performer on a stage was playing my recorder in fifth grade, and narrating a part of a play in fifth grade. Both events had to have happened in fifth grade because i associate them with the same teacher, and they both had to have happened at the Christmas show because the only other show was the Sping show and that was done by the middle school that year. So, i’m going on the basic assumption that the narration occurred before the recorder playing, but either way this works out because i definitely remember not wanting to play the recorder and not knowing what i was playing while i was onstage.
up once a day now), or to stand way in the background of the chorus in silly school

Anyway, there was some narration in the Christmas play about babies and mangers and love that needed to be read by someone, and anyone even remotely interested in having a part in the show had already been merrily drafted. So, the teacher in charge of casting decided that it was futile to poll the ranks of students for a reluctant actor for such an important piece of the show, but to instead draft the best reader in entire grade school. Which, happily enough, was me. However, i thought the whole Christmas show concept was incredibly silly, as we tended to do essentially the same “god is god, materialism is bad, praise the baby jesus” schtick every year, and i stubbornly refused to take the part. And, then, mysteriously, i was somehow cajoled to do it (i’m sure they preyed upon my ego, as that had to be the only way they could have convinced me).


What no one deigned to mention to me before i agreed to be in the play was that i wasn’t exactly narrating – in that i was calmly reading from a text as a narrator would – instead i was supposed to memorize the whole thing and then spit it back out convincingly while staring into the audience with a smile plastered onto my face.


I honestly tried to memorize and smile and all of that, but it wasn’t in the stars. I was terrible at memorizing things (bible verses were my dreaded nemesis), i didn’t like to be put up in front of that many people to perform (or for any other reason (other than awards, obviously)), and i had absolutely zero projection skills (i was still relatively meek, probably due to my beaver-sized buck teeth). So, when it came time for the show i was ushered out onto the stage protesting that i needed the book to read from even though they had already conceeded that i could have a microphone. So, when it came time for my moment in the spotlight (literally, right as the spotlight hit me) i gave the teacher who was on-book in the first row a combined look of imminent dread and fear, and she raced to the stage and handed me the book, and i wound up reading the narration into the microphone perfectly. The end.

(Ironically, memorization, getting up in front of people, and projection are now three of my most useful traits. I’m not sure if wound up being so performance oriented as a response to this particular incident or not, but i do always remember being vaguely jealous of the people who auditioned for parts in grade school. Also, there are lots of hints about the other truths and lies in this entry, but some of them are slightly misleading.)

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/3899712/